


Scarred

by FatalFlaw



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Female Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-01-04 23:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FatalFlaw/pseuds/FatalFlaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexandra Cabot has lost control of her life, and Olivia discovers it. May be a bit triggering since it depicts self-harm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is a general kind of season-less/timeless fic about Olivia discovering that Alexandra cuts herself. So, if you don't want to read that turn back. I have it set at mature and up since it focuses on self-harm but I think teens could read it to.

When Alex came home she sat down on her bed and let out a sigh. The day was over. She had survived yet another day of work. A day of pretending everything was normal. She sat down and stared at the box cutter next to the bed. It was still laced with dried blood and Alex could feel the pull towards it. It was like a force of nature. She tried to be strong, she really did, but every night was the same. Coming home, battling the demons in her head until she finally gave them what they wanted, falling into a blissful sleep until she needed to get up and work again. Every night she tried to break the cycle, tried to fall asleep without etching another scar into her skin. But every night ended the same. The knife promised relief, promised to let out the pain inside so she could sink in to a dreamless sleep. Alex sighed, was this really all she had to look forward to, a night of trying to stop something she knew would happen anyway, getting far too few hours of sleep, getting up, pretending like everything is fine until she can go home and starting it all over. Was this what she, Alexandra Cabot had become? She was and ADA, the SVU’s ADA. She was the Ice Queen, never betraying an emotion in the courtroom, she was Alexandra Cabot with a gaze that could make any perp squirm. She didn’t even know if that mattered anymore, once she had loved her work, even when the cutting started. On the job she was still the viscous ADA, in the courtroom she still had power. Still had control. That was all it had been at first. One cut, one crimson line that gave her control of the pain inside. A way to gain control. At first it had only happened sometimes, like when she had a stressful case or when she felt extra bad but soon it had become a regular occurrence. First once a week, then twice. She had tried to stop but every time the box cutter was there. Promising her peace if she just made one little cut. She tried to stop but she was powerless and soon it happened every day. At first she had made the cuts on her thighs, places no one would notice but now the scares littered her whole body except for hands and face. She sighed and prepared for yet another mental battle.

It was already starting to dawn when Alex gave in. When she raised the box cuter and made yet another line in her skin. It felt so good, to have something real to focus on instead of the constant, suffocating pain that surrounded her. She made another line and dropped the cutter, laying down in her bed again, feeling the sleep overwhelm her. She loved this feeling, this feeling of temporary peace, she loved it, but also hated herself every time she gave in. “Just this time.” She promised herself, knowing fully that it was a lie. That the pain would be back tomorrow and the she, weak as she was, would give in. Soon she fell into a dreamless sleep, blissfully unaware of what would wake her the next morning.

When Alex awoke she heard a sharp knock on the door. That and someone calling her name.  
“Alex?” Someone she recognized, but in her newly awoken state couldn’t place.  
“Alex?” The voice called again. That’s when she realized. Olivia? What would the detective be doing in her apartment on a Saturday? She glanced at the clock. It showed that it was half past eight in the morning. Not awfully early, but not late enough for it to be weird that she was still sleeping.  
“Alex?” Olivia yelled again and Alex decided that she needed to answer the door as quickly as possible. She made her way to the door as fast as she could and it wasn’t until she heard the detective gasp that she realized her mistake. She was still wearing the t-shirt she’d slept in. The t-shirt that showed her legs, and arms, and all the scars upon them.  
“Oh my god, Alex what…” Olivia trailed of, she was usually so confident and knew how to handle every situation, never showing fear, but this, this was Alex, Alexandra Cabot, their fearless, intimidating, confident, determined ADA. This was Alex, with scars all over her body, scars that she had caused herself. And Olivia had no idea of what to say or what to do.  
“Why?” was the only thing she quietly said. Alex first instinct was to throw the door in Olivia’s face, but she knew that that would hardly lead anywhere. Instead she tried to step in to the confident lawyer persona she was so used to assuming. She took a deep breath and began talking, trying to resume control over the situation.  
“I’ll go to my room and change in to something a bit more presentable and then you can tell me about why you are here and forget about what you saw.”  
“Alex” Olivia pleaded. “Alex, you need help…” she tried but the ADA had already began to walk away. 

When Alex entered her room she started to panic. Olivia had seen, she had seen what she did to herself, she had… And she wasn’t going to forget it, whatever Alex tried to tell her, every argument she tried to come up with was worthless. 

Olivia felt like she was suffocating.She couldn’t deal with this. With their stone cold no nonsense ADA being… This. She felt an urge to run. Right now. Do what Alex told her and forget about the whole thing. But… The part of her that deal with victims told her that she’d never forget if she did. And never forget. So she forced herself to stand and watch the closed door that she knew Alex was freaking out behind.

Shit. Alex looked down at her legs. Covered in scars. Perfect. Now Olivia was going to pity her. And Alexandra Cabot didn’t do pity. Alexandra Cabot did respect. And she knew that was the last thing her appearance was inducing.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex hurried to find something presentable, thoughts racing through her head. She was grappling for control, trying to find something to hold on to, trying to find the right things to say, trying and knowing it didn’t matter.  
There was no way Olivia wouldn’t know. Her reaction had spoken volumes. She hadn’t asked what or how. She had jumped straight to the why, one simple word conveying so much. With one word she had torn Alex’s façade apart. With one word she had taken the only piece of control she arguably had left.   
Alex felt tears welling up in her eyes, even as she bit her tongue and cursed how fucking weak she was. How fucking weak she looked. She felt the tears running down her cheeks, falling onto her legs and arms, staining her shirt. She tried to will it to stop, but couldn’t. She sat there, shaking using every ounce of power within her to keep quiet.  
“I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this” The words echoed through her mind like a constant mantra, they felt heavy and deafening and she dug her nails into her thighs trying to concentrate on the task at hand  
.She couldn’t. It all felt meaningless. Nothing she did now could make the situation better. She could consider herself lucky if she wasn’t committed. She considered giving up and just sitting down among her clothes, never moving ever again. Or at least not until Olivia had left. But that wouldn’t work, and more importantly - it would be pathetic. The situation Alex was in was already quite hopeless and she wasn’t about to make it worse.   
She moved robotically, picking out clothes, her actions barely registering above the dread she felt. She felt like everything was closing in on her, like there was no way out. And there wasn’t. On the other side of the door there was Olivia - worried and caring – but suffocating nonetheless.   
Alex tried to take a calming breath but couldn’t. Air was brought in, but no oxygen, nothing that could give her energy or peace.   
“Are you okay?” The question cut through the silence, and through the only solace Alex had left. It marked the end of her as SVU’s ADA and the beginning of her as their new victim. Their new project.  
“Yes” The single word was filled with more meaning than Alex wanted it to. She was trying to supress all intonation and tone that could betray the hell she was living. She was trying to lengthen this moment in time, these last moments of having a shard of control.  
Alex leaned against the door, powerless to do anything but think, losing control over the thoughts racing through her mind.  
Her breathing was heavy and she wished she was gone, wished she would cease to exist. She felt like she had, like the last identity she had left was being ripped to shreds.

Olivia was trying to figure out what to do, who to call. She was still in shock from realizing, her mind displaying images from the time’s she’d worked with the ADA. Her mind desperately trying to find clues to why the ADA was doing this. It took her a while to realize that there didn’t need to be one, and that either way everyone who worked in sex crimes was at risk for destructive behaviour.  
She was still at a loss for a reason, a reason why Alex would be so affected. She kept remembering every time Alex had stepped into the office, kept trying to work out if she should have seen this coming.   
Then she started worrying about the here and now. Alex had said she would go and get dressed and she hadn’t come out yet. She called out to her with a meaningless question, reassured by the fact that she got an answer - a sign of life.   
Unprepared for all the pain one small word could contain. Unprepared for everything.  
She kept trying to weigh her option, telling someone – something she was sure Alex didn’t want – or doing as Alex had told her and risk there not being an Alex left to be hurt.  
Olivia tried to figure out what to ask, what to say, how to make everything better. She tried desperately, all of her instincts screaming at her to help.   
But she had no answers. She wasn’t even sure she was asking the right questions.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and constructive criticism are welcome.


End file.
